For me my hyperactive self feels the most like my TRUE self.....
So what does that even mean? As a kid I was always busy. I did all kinds of extracurriculars in elementary school. Same went for middle school. When high school came around the business only increased and by my senior year I was president of Student Government, started and was president of the Environmental Club, I was also part of prom committee, the two theatre programs at school, and yearbook. And if I weren't babysitting my siblings so much I probably would have added more to my plate.
College looked similar for me, tons of activities! I then added in a full-time job and a part time job too. I LOVED to be busy. And my film courses had such a heavy workload that I would also have hours in the media lab on top of everything else.
When I graduated something happened to me.... I started to get sick, like in and out of the ER and weeks admitted to the hospital level sick. No one knew why, but this changed my plans for when I graduated. I decided I was going to do real estate, which had the potential to be a great career path for me. Very simulating, always a new challenge and novelty. Being sick slowed me down, but it didn't stop me completely.
What stopped me in my tracks was a slow build up of trauma. And as my nervous system was overloaded with the abuse I froze and became paralyzed. Instead of my go go go I would sit sit sit on the couch. It was those moments that made me lose myself.
I also questioned my world around me, friendships and family included. Feeling I wasn't good enough always and layering on more camouflage. My layers became so thick that barely anyone was allowed to see underneath. Then no one would know the hurt I was enduring either. To the world life looked perfect, but inside I knew I wasn't myself anymore. I knew the girl I was so proud of before had faded away.
I love to be busy, it feels good. So when I was finally able to escape the constant pain I made myself busy. Saw friends again, overloaded my schedule and in turn overwhelmed myself while I was working through the trauma. This translated to another shut down, until the world itself shut down.
The hyperactive glimpse faded as I worked through questioning my reality. I was finally in a happy and in a healthy relationship and finding myself again. I kept working at it and feel more authentic than ever. Being busy helped me finally feel like me again.
So who am I? Who is this woman I've become? A new person all together? NO! She's a blend of all of these experiences I've endured and overcome. She is the happy bubbly girl again, unafraid to dance in the middle of the grocery store. Un-concerned with the whispers of strangers (most of the time) She's a work in progress and always will be. But she's happy and hyper and she's ME!
I'm glad to finally feel like me again, but also glad that I am able to constantly grow and change for my own self.